1: have short legs. The shorter the better, whilst blood loss could become a problem practise travelling with tournaquets or an extortionist. Contortionists also help but are less effective.

2: Carry bribe money to secure a seat of your choosing.

3: Child tranquilisers are, of course a given.

4: Do not, under any circumstance make eye contact with the ticket attendant. I don’t quite know why but nobody does so I can only assume bad things happen.

5: Read the safety information, on the very unlikely chance there is a crash by knowing escape routes you can pretend to be Bruce Willis from unbreakable or thingee from source code. General badassery is sure to follow.

6: Most importantly, don’t miss your stop because you’re too busy Blogging. Fuck.